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H. O. P. E.

Updated: May 19, 2021

I’ve had a painful life, emotionally and physically. I’m not saying this for pity. When I saw this meme it stopped me in my tracks. I had to check in with myself. I sat in my body for a bit and really listened. I was brought back to only five or six years ago. I was so miserable. My fibromyalgia was so bad that I had to go to the Beauty School twice a week to get my hair washed because I couldn’t lift my arms above my head without causing a cascade of pain that lasted for days. I could not get up in the morning without putting so many lidocaine patches on my trigger points that my Naturopath was worried I may overdose. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had been sober for 10 years but desperately wanted to drink. My marriage was nonexistent. I couldn’t participate in my own life. It made me really look at how different my life has become.

Today I wash my own hair. It’s been a couple of years. The simple act of washing my hair had never seemed so exciting to me! I no longer need the plethora of pharmaceuticals I would need to even get out of bed in the morning. I’m happy to say I did not take that drink. My relationship with my husband is wonderful and my life is blessed. So what changed? Why is my pain level, emotional life and marriage so different?

Simple. I cleaned house. When my sobriety was on the line I searched out the help I needed to start to decode my brain. I started with talk therapy, I found an amazing open woman who told me like it was, and supported me and my life decisions throughout my experiences. There was something missing. The work was making sense, I was understanding why I was the way I was, so why didn’t I feel better? There was a large part of the puzzle missing: an entire side of me I had suppressed all my life because it didn’t feel safe to be me. I am a Spiritual Being having a human experience. But I was trapped in the human experience. Once I started exploring my Soul Side, my true self, without the filters of someone else’s idea of what my life should look like, I started to heal. I was healing both mentally and physically. It started slowly, with a simple class and a beautiful teacher. I learned about Self Compassion. I had to ask her to define it over and over again, because the concept was so foreign to me. You see, I had left the abusive life I led long ago, but I continued to heap the abuse on myself. I was perpetuating the very thing that held me down. I was abusing myself.

At first I couldn’t look at it that way. I was stuck in the victim mentality. “Look what they did to me! All this is their fault! If only (fill in the blank.)” It didn’t happen overnight, in fact it really has cemented into my life only this year. I had to do the work. I got in there and I learned as much as I could about what resonated with me. I left the things behind that no longer felt right. As I opened myself to the possibilities of the universe something magical happened. I started to forgive myself! As I forgave myself, forgiving others started to come more easily. I can see the broken humans in my life who just didn’t know any better. They did the best they could. The relief of this mental clarity was palpable. I am ok. In fact I’m perfect. I am an extension, and a co-creator with Spirit/God/The Universe.

The self acceptance has led to a vibration change. I no longer vibrate with the low feelings of self pity and self hatred. I resonate with the love of the Universe and I spread that. Raising my vibration was actually physically uncomfortable and exhausting at first. I kept moving forward. I fully believe that the abuse of myself and from others stayed in my energy field all of my life and manifested as physical pain. I self medicated all my life (started at 12) to chase the pain away. As I accept (not forget) my past, my energy changed. My body started acclimating to a higher vibration and I had more energy. I had less physical and emotional pain. I had less fear. The nightmares were less. Understanding my place in this world, and choosing love have shifted so much. Everyone is Divine. Everyone! And we all serve a purpose on this planet. Even the asshole that just popped into your mind.

Pain does end! Am I healed? No. Not completely. Everyday I see the forward movement towards my goal of self acceptance. As I do my symptoms change. Things have become more tolerable, mentally and physically. I still have a long way to go. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I’ve still got some living to do. If my experience so far is any indication of what my life will be in the future. It’s bright, full of love and the pain lessens daily. So short story long…Hold On, Pain Ends. It does get better, but you’ve got to start to find the love in yourself. Align yourself to the beauty of this magical life we have here, good or bad, it is still magical. We create our reality. It doesn’t have to hurt. Create the beauty you wish to see in the world.

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